Sell Hell? A Modest List of Possibilities

From CNNMoney.com: (quote) The Internet domain name Hell.com is scheduled to be sold at a live auction Friday, with organizers expecting bids of more than $1 million. . . . [Hell.com is owned by] BAT Flli LLC, a creative think tank whose founder, 57-year-old Kenneth Aronson, registered the name in 1995 . . . Since then, it has been home to a secretive online community, a project Aronson says will benefit from the proceeds of the Hell.com, which gets about 5,000 new visitors daily, the paper said. Aronson told the Journal he won't sell Hell.com for less than several million dollars. "Hell.com is one of the most powerful brands on the Earth," Aronson said. (end quote)

This raises numerous questions: a secretive community built around "hell.com"? Whoa-ho-ho, now that's a conspiracy theorist's dream. Are the blogs onto this? One of the most powerful brands on Earth? Add in the afterlife and that's a really, really powerful brand. But what about buyers? What use will they make of this domain name?

In the interest of being a helpful soul (and bettering my chances in the world to come), herewith a modest list of suggested uses for the new and, no doubt, improved, hell.com:

www.hell.com/seat=selector--pick your seat for that next 16 hour flight to Japan. Choose from: mother with three children under four with loose diapers and 120 decibel screams directly in front of you; portly man with questionable hygiene and braided nose hair to your left; man who says "so sorry" after sneezing into your dinner entre, repeatedly, to your right.

www.hell.com/healthinfo/customer*service--Get the number for the toll line, 666-666-6666 (666 rings later) "To change your current plan, press 1; to obtain new ID cards, press 2; to obtain authorization for urgent medical services to treat potentially life-threatening conditions, use your touchpad as a calculator and enter the square root of the last four digits of your social security number."

www.hell.com/single!mingle--choose a potential new mate from profiles meticulously verified by terminated staff writers of the National Inquirer to insure that any mentally healthy person who has left his or her issues behind is not included. All photos are approximations of the person's real appearance. Anyone you call will immediately develop extreme dependency needs that only you can attempt to meet without success.

www.hell.com/commute+quest--enter your home address and your work address. Let commute+quest find a route that detours you through one construction delay after another, insuring that you arrive at work shortly before quitting time and that you arrive home shortly before time to leave for work. Includes diagrammed hand gestures and vocabulary suggestions.

www.hell.com/virtualrealtor\homes!--tour, make offers, and finance a new home on-line with guaranteed results! All homes come with full warranties (all provisions voided by incomprehensible legalese in 6 pt type on last page); guaranteed substandard wiring, plumbing, and appliances; flood, fire, and earthquake hazards guaranteed; all neighbors are out on bail for meth, crack, or assault, guaranteed.