Friday, February 16, 2007

The Helpful Soul

Didn’t make the CBA Advance Christian trade show in Indianapolis last month? Conflicted over the crass cross-fertilization of consumer capitalism and middle-class Churchianity? Fear not—the Helpful Soul was there, trend-spotting for you. New stand-out products:

The Smiling Cross—water bottles, cups, desktops items decorated with the cross. Nothing unusual there except this cross has a set of eyes and eyebrows above each side of the crossbeam, slightly upturned at the ends, forming a smiley face. Yeah, freaked me out, too. Check out for more. Or less.

Duraword Waterproof Bible--the ultimate Bible for the outdoorsy crowd—withstands water, ice, and sun (-60 to 120 degrees F) on its special synthetic paper. Includes only the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs in the well-weathered King James Version. Promotional brochure proclaims “The anchor in the storm”—not once, but twice on the front cover. Evidently useful for boaters. Visit

Beelieve—been stung by high-priced beauty care that fails to promote health and well-being for body and spirit? Check out the bath and body care products made from honey and beeswax on the family farm. Promises to “cleanse inside and out” and “provide balance for a better life.” Not really sure how it cleanses out the inside, but it's supported by Scripture, sort of—“Bee-lieve on the Lord Jesus Christ” Acts 16:31, slightly modified. Un-bee-leavably—no website.

Deco Eyewear—need to achieve the maximum in worldly coolness and style, like Bono, while maintaining a subtle but distinctive Christian witness without a bumpersticker? Check out the designer style sunglasses with the discrete fish symbol above the right eye— When you want to be a witness. . . just barely.

And a new line of Jesus figurines—or are they action figures? You decide. In either case, there’s Harley-bikin’ Jesus, soccer Jesus, skateboard Jesus, rock-climbin’ Jesus, hang ten Jesus, bull ridin’ Jesus, and somewhat inexplicably, “Will work for food” Jesus. Each Jesus is dressed appropriately and authentically for the given activity, AND wears a crown of thorns and a white robe. Yes, really amazing. Coming in 2007—fire fighter Jesus and paradoxically, car crash Jesus (what? Jesus didn’t do driver’s ed?). Or is it Nascar Jesus on a bad day? Still can’t conceive of it? Visit As they say, un-bee-lievable.


Queen Sarapatra said...

hilarious! Well, pretty freaky actually---particularly the Jesus figurines. I think the Muslims may have something right with not allowing God or prophets to be depicted in art. Things have gotten a tad bit out of control!

Queen Sarapatra said...

BTW, sounds like some good CC gifts everyone!!

Queen Sarapatra said...

I had a dream last night that must have somehow been connected to this post. I dreamed that my dad got a new job selling football jerseys with little Jesus fish in the corners.

dmandman said...

Maybe it was Melungeon wear with little fishes?

jillman said...

Why am I getting a bad idea that my birthday will concist of a bull-riding jesus.

Rachel Van said...

did you see the combat garb on "I am Peace"? I don't know how Jesus would feel about that--I'm tempted to buy one to send to Rob Bell.